Family Photos

   Last night we were scheduled to take a family photo for Christmas.  Chloe had done really well the previous week for her own pictures, so we were not anticipating any problems.  I had spent a lot of time finding coordinating clothes and then getting everyone ready last night took a couple of hours.  I was pretty exhausted by the time we got to the photo shoot.  As you know, when you take a group photo, it's takes time to get everyone arranged and the youngest one always gets placed in the group last.  This was very disturbing to Chloe.  She just walked around us and said, "Mommy, my turn?"  There were almost tears in her eyes, she was so worried she would be left out.  Eventually her patience just wore out and she did everything she could do to disrupt the session.  Chloe stuck out her tongue.  She tickled us.  She turned upside down.  She ran away and eventually, she just cried refusing to wear her outfit or sit in the picture at all.  I was going back and forth between pittying her because she didn't seem to be able to emotionally handle the situation and being furious because she was doing everything opposite she was being told.  Finally, the photographer said she had gotten enough shots and she could do a head swap on some of the photos so Chloe is looking at the camera.  Thank goodness for modern technology.  Needless to say, we were all spent by the time we got home.  I can't wait to see the pictures though and I'll try get permission to post some on our site as soon as possible.

   I am happy to say the Attachment and Bonding Seminar we hosted on Sat. went very well.  We had over 40 people there and we hope to continue offering education to parents who are struggling.  So many adoptive families face unexpected frustrations and we want to do all we can to give them hope and help.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

 

    At our last therapy session, Arleta suggested it was time to work on getting Chloe out of our bed.  Yah!!!  I must say that this caused me a significant amount of apprehension at the same time.  For a little history, Chloe has had a lot of sleep issues from the first day we got home and it was really the driving force behind us finding ABC of Ohio.  She has always been a light sleeper and very restless.  This is caused by her anxiety and need to be in control.  Chloe seems to sleep with "one eye open" so she doesn't miss anything, never really getting into deep sleep.  Light sleep was important at the orphanage so she didn't miss anything, like a bottle, but she still hasn't transitioned out of it to be a sleeping "family girl."  For a little over a year, Chloe has slept with Greg and I.  This has certainly had an impact on us, but at the time it was a last resort to get some more sleep.  Chloe was waking so often at night, we ended up sleeping next to her mattress on the floor most of the time.

   My apprehension about getting her out of our bed came from Arleta's warning, "this will probably make Chloe regress."  I know that regression is a normal and necessary part of the bonding process, but a part that I have certainly been dreading.  Regression allows the brain to catch up and fill in the missing pieces caused by rapid forward development.  Did you ever notice how a child who is working hard to learn to walk will stop talking for a short time?  Little did I know, we were about to hit regression anyway.  We never even had a chance to rearrange our bedroom to accommadate another mattress before "old" Chloe was back.  I had truly forgotten what it was like.  She is back to screaming, demanding, running away from me, wiggling all the time (fllight mode), and being very defiant.  I was shopping with several of the girls last week and she screamed at them a couple of times for just looking at her. Children have such a delightful waying of keeping us humble. Chloe is even resisting eye contact during holding therapy again.

   Thank goodness I have Arleta to call during these times of frustration.  I am much calmer after speaking with her and I know that this too will pass.  The great thing about regression is that once Chloe is passed it, she will not need to regress that far again and will probably have made even further strides forward.  In the mean time, I'll take a deep breath and know it's only for a time.

 Chloe and her buddies had a front row seat in the basement as her sister practiced for their Christmas program.

 

 

Bath time is Chloe's absolute favorite.  Sometimes she like to take a bath in the laundry room wash tub instead of the bathtub.  Chloe calls it a "Nilla bath," because it's where we give our dog Nilla her baths.

   As a closing note, please remember us in prayer on Sat., Nov 14th.  Chloe's therapist will be speaking to about 40 local adoptive parents who want to know more about attachment and bonding issues.  The seminar is from 1-4pm and we pray that it will bring hope and help to a lot of struggling parents.

What's in a Name?

     As you listen to Chloe speak, there is one particular word that is noticeably missing from her vocabulary.  It's her name "Chloe."  She can say almost anything you tell her, but whenever you ask her who is in the picture or in the mirror, she always responds "me."  At Chloe's last therapy session, I spoke to Arleta about this and she too thought it seemed odd.  It turned out to be quite a session.  The whole goal of the 90 minutes was to get Chloe to say "My name is Chloe."  She would say everything except Chloe.  This is the first time that Chloe has completely refused to do something in a therapy session.  It seemed to be a hold out of some sort that she wouldn't acknowledge her American name.  She was beginning to embrace her family and language, but not her name.  Chloe doesn't even seem to have a response to her Chinese name.

    Well today we had a break through.  I was holding Chloe to put her to sleep this afternoon, so I tried prompting her to say her name.  This is something I've tried repeated since the last therapy session with no success.  Sure enough, today when I had Chloe repeat after me "my name is..."  Chloe came out too!  I had her repeat it several times to make sure it wasn't just a fluke, but each time there was a very distinctive Clo-eee.  I have continued to ask her this evening what her name is and she continues to answer Chloe, with an occasional "me" thrown in with a giggle.  Praise the Lord for little breaks throughs like this one.  We need the encouragement to keep clodding through the bonding process.  Who knows why it was so difficult for Chloe to embrace and accept her American name.  The complexity of the mind created by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is beyond fathom.

    This family picture was taken at Greg's 20th Year High School Reunion in Atwater, OH.  We were able to spend the night at his parent's house for the first time since the adoption as a family.  Chloe did pretty well sleeping away from home and has really begun to reach out and accept others outside our immediate family.  This makes her grandma and grandpa very happy.

Family Time and Question Words

With the report from our family session of therapy in mind, we have been trying hard to focus on healing. We took advantage of a break in our kids soccer schedule and spent a weekend away as a family.

We spent lots of time together just playing and having fun. Chloe enjoyed going to the zoo for the first time. Doesn't the gorilla in this picture just look like another member of the family? :)

Chloe, as usual, was apprehensive when she saw the suitcases come out and sensed that we were going somewhere. Much of her life has been about leaving, so spending time away from home is scary to her. She's just not sure if she'll be left again. As we drove, she asked often if we were going to go home again. It's heartbreaking to realize the type of fear and uncertainty she must live with each day. Chloe still wants to wear shoes every time I do, so she's sure to go along. Thankfully, once we reached the hotel, she settled in and did really well. It was a blessed time for our family.

We are seeing really good progress in Chloe's attachment. There is just a sense of ease about her that was never present before. She is talking more willingly and even began tattling on her sisters this week. Question words were also new for her recently. It was just a part of her vocabulary that had been noticeably absent. They suddenly appeared this week. I'm beginning to feel her attach to me. It's becoming more difficult for Greg to work with her, but we're told this is normal. A child can only really bond to 1 person at a time, so unfortunately, Greg will just have to wait his turn. Although, he's excited to see progress, I think it's hard to continue to feel rejection from her. Chloe seems to genuinely want to spend time with me now instead of just putting up with me. The way she says "Mommy" has a different feel to it now. It warms my heart every time I hear it. We are bracing ourselves for the inevitable setback that accompanies such significant progress. From what we've been told, it is very normal and essential for the brain's growth and development. So as I close tonight it is with this prayer in mind - "Oh Lord, please give me the peace of mind to enjoy each day for what it is and the stamina to withstand the inevitable setbacks that are yet to come."

What Are Implicit Memories?

Arleta James, Chloe's attachment therapist, keeps a blog about attachment issues. She recently posted 2 articles that give a great explanation of why kids who have had a traumatic past (abandonment, neglect, orphanage care, etc.) may continue to struggle even though adopted at a young age. I hear so often, "But you adopted Chloe at 8 months, she can't remember any of that." And I must admit, this was my line of thinking before we met Chloe too. It just didn't make any sense. We can't remember anything from when we were infants, so how can her early history have an impact? Arleta's articles will shed some light on this subject and I would strongly encourage adoptive parents to take a look. You might be surprised at the new understanding you gain about your child.

Part 1:http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2009/09/28/implicit-memories-the-roots-of-todays-behavioral-challenges-part-one/

Part 2:http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2009/09/30/implicit-memories-the-roots-of-todays-behavioral-challenges-part-two/

4 Girls in Need

4 needy girls + 2 overwhelmed parents = our crazy family of 6

Our whole family went to counseling with Chloe this past Monday and it was very eye opening. I've heard repeatedly that adoption will bring to light any issue a person may have. This has proven to be true in our family too. Our other 3 girls have certainly been affected by the stress and transition of the last 18 months. There have been many changes that have had an impact. I have 1 girl who is sad about it, 1 girl who is mad about it, but in denial, and 1 girl who was too embarrassed to show any emotion and instead used non-verbal communication to get my attention through nearly the entire session. I though life was busy enough with an unattached 2 year and 3 kids playing on different soccer teams. Quite frankly, I am just plain overwhelmed. How can I possibly meets the needs of all of my children, maintain my marriage, and at some point find time to take a shower! I am so thankful to be working with Artleta, who is an expert on bringing an adoptive child into an existing family. However, this doesn't change our present circumstances. I ask for your prayers for wisdom. How do we choose what is most important? Which child should have my attention first? How do we divide up our time? When do I take time away from them in order to be a better parent? How will giving more attention to the other girls have an impact on Chloe? These are all questions for which I have no answers. So we too will be praying for clarity of thought and leaning on the promise that God will provide the grace we need to fulfill His calling.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Please be praying for a little girl named Mia. She was adopted as a special needs child 2 months ago and has undergone 2 open heart surgeries. There have been a lot of complications and the family would appreciate your prayers. Their blog is: http://miamakes6.blogspot.com/

Glimpses of a New Girl

Chloe and wedding bubbles

Yes, this is our little busy body holding still and taking in her world, a vital step in her growth process. Calmness had almost never happened before therapy began and was one of the first signs of change. Change that is becoming evident to others around us also.

For the first 2 weeks after our intensive bonding therapy, Chloe very strongly rejected me (Mom). She wouldn't have anything to do with me if Greg was available. That was pretty tough to take. It was like giving your child medicine they needed and then having them angry with you all day long for how bad it tasted. According to Arleta, our therapist, because Chloe needs to bond to me first and I am the one doing the daily holding therapy, she was doing all she could to resist. Also, Chloe knows that I am not her China mom and she is trying very hard not to attach to me. Thankfully, her rejection began to fade over the last week. There was even one time last week I was rocking her to sleep and she did all she could do to get my attention.

We have also tackled Chloe's talking issue. She is no longer allowed to use non-verbal communication since it was a form of control. Chloe is capable of saying over 100 words, but she would much rather point and grunt. However, the strategy has been working and just last week, her talking started to kick in. We laugh almost daily at what she chooses to say. It certainly has made church a lot more challenging and noisy :) Chloe was very frustrated for a couple of weeks, yelling "no" a lot when she wasn't speaking clearly enough to be understood. Thankfully that too has eased some.

Unfortunately, true to the 2 steps forward and 1 step back that we were warned about, Chloe has once again become very insistent on self-soothing by sucking on her arm like she did in the orphanage. Initially, she had let this habit go relatively easily, but now it's back with a vengeance. We also continue to work on Chloe's aggression toward her sisters through holding. She gets held to help her calm down and then she is required to apology and do something nice in return.

We go back for family therapy next week. Chloe is not the only one effected by this family transition. The stress of the last 18 months has had a big impact on each of us. Arleta will help us recognize just what those effects have been on our other girls. We were told that adoption intensifies any problem you might have. That is obviously very true.
Chloe got to go camping with our family for the first time this past weekend.

She loved the pontoon boat ride.

I'm sure this was only the first of many trips to the camp ground. We had a great time.