I am so taken aback by the depth of Chloe's desire to meet her birth mother. It pains her to admit it to me, but it comes from someplace so deep that she can't deny it. I waiver between pain for Chloe and anger at her birth mom for all the pain she caused. In the same breath I must also be eternally grateful that Chloe's birth mother chose to carry Chloe to term and not abort her like so many other Chinese women in difficult situations choose. She chose to give Chloe a life and now we are blessed by it, so how can I stay angry with her? Do you see how my thoughts go around in circles these days? Can you imagine how confusing it is to Chloe?
I read the following article recently on the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio's Facebook page and it helped me to understand the complexity of what Chloe faces day in and day out being part of our transracial family.
Jun 24, 2013
Jun 12, 2013
Get Me Out or Get me Through?
"Sometimes the purpose of prayer is to get us out of our circumstances, but more often than not the purpose of prayer is to get us through them." Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson
Right now I am watching my Chloe slide deeper and deeper into anger. Regression is very real and not predictable. It is a discouraging part of the process of healing for attachment kids. In talking with Chloe's therapist yesterday, I finally just asked what is an appropriate expectation of normal? Do we just have to learn to function as a family putting up with her anger? (Which by the way is only seen at home and never exposed to those outside her inner circle.) In explanation she said that Chloe will always be impacted by adoption, but she does not need to be controlled by it. As a person who lost a mother 10 years ago, I can say that a special event doesn't pass without me thinking of her and so it will be with Chloe. Her perspective will always be colored by her adoption and abandonment. However, she should not be angry with her family for 4 month just because it was Mother's Day and she missed her birth mom. It is that regulation and control of triggers that we continue to work on in therapy.
I'll be honest, I hoped that we would get to the place where adoption didn't have an impact on Chloe anymore. That she would be secure enough in our love to "forget." So I once again adjust my expectation to a more appropriate level and deal with the pangs that I am not the only Mama that Chloe will always love.
So I pray this for myself and all you other adoptive parents: "God please give us the grace to sustain, the strength to stand firm and the willpower to keep on keeping on." If today is a day that all you can do is just "keep on," than know that God is the one who can supply what you need.
Right now I am watching my Chloe slide deeper and deeper into anger. Regression is very real and not predictable. It is a discouraging part of the process of healing for attachment kids. In talking with Chloe's therapist yesterday, I finally just asked what is an appropriate expectation of normal? Do we just have to learn to function as a family putting up with her anger? (Which by the way is only seen at home and never exposed to those outside her inner circle.) In explanation she said that Chloe will always be impacted by adoption, but she does not need to be controlled by it. As a person who lost a mother 10 years ago, I can say that a special event doesn't pass without me thinking of her and so it will be with Chloe. Her perspective will always be colored by her adoption and abandonment. However, she should not be angry with her family for 4 month just because it was Mother's Day and she missed her birth mom. It is that regulation and control of triggers that we continue to work on in therapy.
I'll be honest, I hoped that we would get to the place where adoption didn't have an impact on Chloe anymore. That she would be secure enough in our love to "forget." So I once again adjust my expectation to a more appropriate level and deal with the pangs that I am not the only Mama that Chloe will always love.
So I pray this for myself and all you other adoptive parents: "God please give us the grace to sustain, the strength to stand firm and the willpower to keep on keeping on." If today is a day that all you can do is just "keep on," than know that God is the one who can supply what you need.
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