Get Me Out or Get me Through?

"Sometimes the purpose of prayer is to get us out of our circumstances, but more often than not the purpose of prayer is to get us through them."  Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson

     Right now I am watching my Chloe slide deeper and deeper into anger.  Regression is very real and not predictable.  It is a discouraging part of the process of healing for attachment kids.  In talking with Chloe's therapist yesterday, I finally just asked what is an appropriate expectation of normal? Do we just have to learn to function as a family putting up with her anger? (Which by the way is only seen at home and never exposed to those outside her inner circle.) In explanation she said that Chloe will always be impacted by adoption, but she does not need to be controlled by it.  As a person who lost a mother 10 years ago, I can say that a special event doesn't pass without me thinking of her and so it will be with Chloe.  Her perspective will always be colored by her adoption and abandonment.  However, she should not be angry with her family for 4 month just because it was Mother's Day and she missed her birth mom.  It is that regulation and control of triggers that we continue to work on in therapy.
     I'll be honest, I hoped that we would get to the place where adoption didn't have an impact on Chloe anymore.   That she would be secure enough in our love to "forget."  So I once again adjust my expectation to a more appropriate level and deal with the pangs that I am not the only Mama that Chloe will always love.
     So I pray this for myself and all you other adoptive parents:  "God please give us the grace to sustain, the strength to stand firm and the willpower to keep on keeping on."  If today is a day that all you can do is just "keep on," than know that God is the one who can supply what you need.

A New Look

    Well my little girl has glasses.  Chloe tested a little fare sited at the eye doctor and was getting headaches when watching TV.  She will have to wear them for 3 weeks all the time and then after that just as she needs for reading and electronics.  I think she looks so much older.  Thankfully the eye irritation she struggled with several years ago seems to be better.  Some Asian kids have this trouble, because their eyelashes can actually turn in against their eyes and rub every time they blink.  Surgery is sometimes required depending on the severity.  Chloe saw a specialist and just as he predicted, she has outgrown the problem.
    Emotionally, Chloe continues to struggle.  This regression seems to have it's core problem with her self-concept.  As an abandoned child, it is natural to assume they were a bad baby for their birth mom to leave them.  So it is with Chloe.  To compound that problem, Chloe was then placed in an orphanage where she didn't get the nurturing and attention that an infant needs.  She has also assumed that she was a bad baby at the orphanage and that is why the nannies did not pay more attention to her.  Arleta James, Chloe's attachment therapist, explained it this way.  Everyone's self-concept is like a piggy bank.  As an infant, each time you accomplish something like rolling over, smiling, or making funny sounds, you constantly get positive responses from others. (smiles, "what a good baby", kisses, etc.) Each one puts a token in your piggy bank.  Chloe is missing the first 8 months worth of tokens in her bank while she was at the orphanage and it has left her with a big self-concept hole.
    This week she stayed with her sister while I took the other 2 girls to the dentist.  The night before, she was begging to go along on the hour long car ride with me and cried in her bed because I was going to be gone.  She woke up during the night and couldn't sleep because she was so upset.  I assumed the issue was fear for my return, but as we began to unpack it at therapy today, the real issue came out.  I took some of her sisters and not Chloe.  She felt left out and unloved because I didn't take her with me.  Her focus has been a constant comparison to see if I love her more than her 3 sisters.  It is her attempt to make herself feel valuable.

    Arleta went on to explain to Chloe that she and her sisters are like 4 quarters and Mommy loves them all the same.  This of course did not make her happy.  Chloe would much rather be worth a pile of coins while her sisters are only worth a quarter.  When we went on to explain that Daddy is worth 2 quarters to Mommy and I love him more than my daughters, this created a whole new explosion of emotion.  She was not at all happy to find out she was not my top dog.  In reality, she is just doing her best to cope with what is lacking from her past. Chloe reminds me of so many others who look for ways to feel good about themselves in all the wrong places. We have a ways to go to build up that self-concept, but I'm pleased to be on the way.
    If you are looking for some books that might help to built your child's self-esteem, here are a few to check out:
        When I Feel Good About Myself
        Why Am I Here?
        I'm Gonna Like Me
      
For older children:
        What's Up With Self-Esteem Workbook
       
 

Loss and Developmental Change Side-Effects

  Yesterday Chloe's cat Chip (her constant companion for the past 9 months) had to be put to sleep after being hit on the road and losing the use of his back legs.  It breaks my heart to have to watch Chloe deal with yet another loss in her young life.  She chose to write "Chip had a good family of 6" on his grave marker in our woods.  I think it says a lot about the change that has happened to her heart about our family.  This little girl who did everything in her power to reject attaching to us for years, can now say her cat had a good family and actually admit that she has a good one too.  Acceptance of us has been a long journey for Chloe.
  We travel back to therapy again today to begin dealing with Chloe's recent regression.  In the last post I wrote about Chloe's developmental progression.  Unfortunately, with developmental change also comes a new ability to understand adoption and thus new struggles to process the trauma she has been through.  I'm not really sure yet what this regression is about, but we'll be increasing the therapy sessions until we get to the bottom of it.  Thankfully Chloe's signs of regression this time are more subtle, like craving the center of attention again because of insecurity and needing to look at a picture of Greg and I when we were gone to remember we will come back again and not abandon her.
   Revisiting their story is very common for adoptive kids as they grow up and their brains have a new capacity to process what they have been through.  For instance, at some point Chloe will realize that she was also abandoned by her Chinese father.  Up to this point, her focus is solely that she was abandoned by her China mom.  When this discovery is made, she will have a new sense of loss to deal with.
   Chloe's therapist has a new website with a huge number of resources for anyone interested in learning more about attachment issues and how trauma effects kids.  www.arletajames.com
Also, the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio has a new YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/ABCofOhio with interesting interviews about attachment, etc.  I would strongly encourage adoptive families to check these links.

Snowy Days of Joy

     I have had great struggle with my blog host to get anything posted in the last few months.  I am happy to say the face you see above is one that we have been seeing often lately.  Chloe is growing and gaining weight which means her emotions are at a healthy state and we are seeing the evidence.  Our therapist told us a story of a teenage boy who had a breakthrough in therapy and grew 6" immediately following.  The emotional health of trauma kids from abandonment or other causes has a big impact their physical health too.
     Chloe is making strides in her development also.  She now loves to ask a ton of questions about everything, is constantly playing tricks on people, and enjoys coloring.  All of these fall into the 4-5 age developmental stage.  Chloe is 5 3/4.  This just once again demonstrates how much trauma has an effect on the brain.  Chloe as a 2 year old was stuck developmentally and still crying and displaying traits of a newborn.  Thankfully we have addressed the trauma early on and her development is almost caught up. 

The Sweetest Words

   One night when Greg was putting Chloe to bed, he was talking about an unsaved friend who was resisting accepting Christ as Lord and Savior.  During their conversation, Chloe simply made a profound and life altering statement, "I want to ask Jesus into my heart."  After asking her several questions to make sure she understood, Greg was able to lead her in a prayer that secured her future in Heaven for eternity. 
     I must admit that I was stunned.  I had assumed that Chloe would be a hold out.  I had so underestimated God's power.  I figured she wouldn't possibly chose to trust God with all her trust issues from abandonment.  Frankly, Chloe sometimes can't trust that I will pick her up at school, let alone trust in a God she can't see or hear.  Oh ME of little faith!  There is a subtle peace that seems to have washed over Chloe since that day.  Now instead of praying before a meal out of practice or because she is told, I find her closing her eyes in prayer unprompted and even reminding me to pray.     
    As her mom, I am so pained by the trauma and loss Chloe has had to go through because of her abandonment and neglect. Yet a loving Heavenly Father has orchestrated a beautiful opportunity for His child to know Him personally, following His promise in Rom. 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  When I think of what Chloe's life could have been had her birth mother decided to keep her, living in a rural area of Qian Jiang, CHINA - poverty, hunger, oppression, possibly being forced into prostitution to support her family, but most of all never hearing the name Jesus and knowing the freedom to have Him as her Lord and Savior.  My heart cries, "the pain you allow in our lives, Father, is so good and I will chose to trust that you know what is best!"

"For I know the plans I have you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer. 29:11

Turning 5, Preschool, and Neurofeedback Miracles

 

Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing and springkles was Chloe's request for her 5th Birthday

I had to laugh about Chloe's gifts.  As a 5 year old, she got a used ipod nano and a battery.  There was a reason for both however.  Chloe loves to listen to music as an escape when she gets overwhelmed with sensory input, so we bought her sister's ipod she was no longer using for Chloe.  Also, we still have a Barbie jeep from our older girls.  The battery was no longer working, so we purchased a new one for Chloe's birthday and now she can drive it too.

 

The day before Chloe's 5th birthday she learned to ride her bike without training wheels.

Chloe one request for her birthday was to go camping.  She has been asking about it for months.  Her new bike riding skills provided hours of entertainment.



We opted to enroll Chloe in a 2 full day a week preschool, because she qualified for an Individual Education Plan for her social/emotional struggles.  Technically, Chloe beat the Kindergarten cut off by 3 days, but we'll wait until next year.  You can see by the look on her face that she was one scared little girl that first day.  Thankfully it has gone better than we expected.

This smiling girl is "new" to our family thanks to a new protocol for her neurofeedback treatment.  I have posted before about this brainwave treatment that helps Chloe with her anxiety.  Recently, her therapist changed the treatment and we have a different girl on our hands.  She is smiling, kind and loving.  I hear "I love you Mommy" regularly and she chooses acts kindness towards her sisters.  After the first treatment, we saw this dramatic change and I wanted to pinch myself.  It's been a very angry summer for Chloe and it is a wonderful reprieve for our family.  I would highly recommend neurofeedback for any families struggling with attachment disorders.  For more information:  http://www.aboutneurofeedback.com/

Going West 2012

We had a fabulous time on a long vacation west to Mt. Rushmore and Colorado. Here are a few highlights:



Beautiful Badlands of South Dakota

Chloe got super close to a prairie dog. 
She was so patient and it came all the way up and sniffed her fingers.

Mt. Rushmore



Whit's End Soda Shop
Adventures in Odyssey came to life at
Focus on the Family, Colorado Spring, CO

We got to visit Chloe's adoption agency
Chinese Children Adoption International
Denver, CO

Chloe didn't quite know what to make of other adoptive girls learning Chinese and cultural dances.

Our family with Josh the agency founder

We found snow at 10,000 feet on top of a mountain in Breckenridge, CO

Chloe the "horse whisperer" had her first horseback ride and loved it!

The City Museum in St. Louis was one of our last stops on our 3 week trip and a favorite.  It was a laberynth of recycled parts welded together to make a 4 floor adult sized playland.